You know that line in the Taylor Swift song… Why you gotta be so mean?
That’s me. I can be mean.
Most people would think I’m delusional for saying that. I’m the nicest person they know, they say. I don’t have a mean bone in my body, they say. But I do. Rarely anyone sees this side of me, because I’ve learned to tame that baby dragon (with my Scorpio stinger), where she stays fed and watered in the basement of my heart.
But every once in a while, she comes out to play. It’s no longer a fire breathing death disaster as in days of the past. It’s now subtle. Like little backhanded comments, that jab at another right in their soft parts, leaving them wounded without even realizing they’ve been hurt. I’m that good. Don’t cross the Kirsten.
For a long time, I lived by the mantra of the ever cool Hugh Grant in About a Boy “I’m a bloody island, I’m bloody Ibitha,” proud of my strength and independence as a woman. It made me powerful, I thought. It made me courageous, I thought.
Most times we’re taught that being strong is powerful. And in order to be powerful, we must sacrifice our warmth; our heart. Movies and TV now show female heroines as tough as nails, rather than in touch with their emotions. It’s way cooler to be the wise-cracking sarcastic like Veronica Mars. It’s not safe to be vulnerable and real.
I’m a big personality. I make big facial expressions. I have big hand gestures. There is really nothing small about me, except my chest size.
If I’m speaking out loud or about something personal, chances are, I’ll crack a joke and try to make it entertaining, or worthy of an audience.
Even if that audience is just one person.
That’s just always been who I am.
In acting class recently, after doing my monologue for the first time, my teacher had me sit on my hands and just speak the words from a place of truth, nothing else. No big expressions, no wild hand gestures. No need to entertain or perform.
I was just to be.
It was torture.
“Why?” I asked. “This just feels wrong.”
She said, “Trust me.”
I did my monologue again. And this time, when I was done, she asked me how it felt. I told her I felt like a brick wall, void of any emotion and boring as hell.
She and the class disagreed – saying it was way more powerful this way.
I had intended to start blogging this book months ago. That seemed simple enough, as I’ve had it planned out for years.
Originally this book was called, How to Love Yourself (When everything in the world tells you not to). I had these great chapters, “WWMD, or What Would Miley Do?” except this was based on Miley as innocent Hannah Montana and not licking a wrecking ball, so well, I had to adjust accordingly with the ever changing times.
Then it was another title, then another. The title has changed as many times as I change my underwear. Daily. (Just for clarification).
I even had the chapters fully mapped out and structured perfectly as the Type A part of my personality finds so comforting. Who doesn’t love to pretend they are in total control?! But then I couldn’t actually write the book and feel any sense of flow or fluidity. Imagine my surprise to realize it was too structured, even for me!
And then it hit me. I was trying to write a 5D book from a 3D mindset. AKA I was trying to write about the heart and soul, from my intellect. This might sound like Pig Latin for some but just stay with me.
A lot has changed in the past few years. We are in the midst of some of the most transformational times of our lives. The world is not the same place it was 5 years ago. Technology and social media have exploded, the Disney kids have grown up, and we’ve become far too comfortable having relationships with our gadgets rather than with real people.
I’ve never been good at letting go. When I was young and someone called out for me, I would respond, “Hold On.” I never knew it would mean literally.
I still have memory boxes from childhood that my mom is convinced are filled with gum wrappers. Okay, in my defense they were really funny bubble gum wrappers (you remember the ones with the joke?) that were a gift and are now like retro…. Nuff said.
Recently at the Salvation Army, while dropping off some awesome things that had been in my trunk far longer than necessary, I stood there, pondering if it was really best to let them go… I mean, of course I need 3 pairs of Uggs. As if needing a healthy shove from an angel in overalls, a guy called out, “When you left your house it felt like a good idea. Don’t turn back. Now just go out and get more stuff.” Tail between my legs, I hugged my Uggs goodbye. #HugsforUggs
I’ve mastered the art of the long goodbye, watching my family until they disappear around the corner, soaking in every last essence of their aura, knowing that someday it will be the last time. Pretty morbid sure but it’s a coping mechanism I’ve adopted, and call me superstitious, I ain’t changing now.
I’ve lost family before, tragically and suddenly. It’s excruciating. Not just in losing the ones we’ve lost, but how it changes those left behind.
That kind of letting go is forced upon us, and can lead to patterns of abandonment, thereby shaping how we see the world whether we are aware of it or not.
Happy New Year! As we begin a new cycle, and start banging out a long list of unreasonable resolutions and stressful expectations, let us stop and have a little #TBT fun, by grooving to Kid Cudi’s “Pursuit of Happiness.”
This song gets me. Right in the soft spots. It makes me want to move my hips. It’s sexy and it speaks to that inner longing within us all…. That ever-elusive Pursuit of Happiness…. A belief most of us have because “I’ll be fine…once I get it.”
But what if that wasn’t the truth? Hold up, what?!
Stay with me. What if Happiness wasn’t a pursuit, an unreachable material thing that we strive for never to fully grasp…? But instead, Happiness consisted of moments. Little bits of joy. Bite size pieces of pure ecstasy.
Let me break it down for you. Children are the purest source. They aren’t tainted by the reality of life’s stresses just yet. You look at them and their wide eyes are filled with wonder. They know pure joy, freedom, pleasure, unbridled enthusiasm…. And yet, they can also stomp their feet, and throw a temper tantrum if they don’t get their MumMum cracker soon enough.
That’s the reality yo. Not even the purest little innocent baby can uphold happiness all day long. They crash. They need to eat, sleep and rejuvenate just like the rest of us.
When you travel alone for a large amount of time, you think you are alone… except of course, for the etheric rope that connects you to the real world and your loved ones back home, now even more accessible with social media and skype. If you are anything like me, for the first few days, or weeks, you somehow look back rather than ahead, still tethered to their hearts, in a way so not to forget them, and more importantly, for them not to forget you. It is your safety as you clamber into the unknown. For when connected, you can tug on that rope, and know that someone will be there to pull you up.
So far throughout my European journey, I had been gliding between the two worlds, living part in the past, that is nine hours behind, and the other half in the present moment; hanging in the in between. And in order to truly experience what I needed to experience, I couldn’t hold on. I needed to cut the chords, and let go of my safety net once and for all.
There is a reason I chose to embark on this journey Mio Solo, sans a travel companion, other than a small stuffed elephant named Hope. (You never leave home without Hope, but more on him later.) For when you are by yourself, you are more open to the gifts of each moment. Rather than distracted by dialogue, you are an observer, taking in the surroundings. With each breath, a new mental picture and memory is absorbed. A new thought occurs, that is allowed because there is space in your mind, from the expansion of quiet. Soaking in the experience with wide, undistracted eyes. You become clear. Present. Undisturbed. A carrier pigeon for transformation, passing on the tradition to the family and friends back home, thereby also changing them for taking the courageous first step that they were somehow unable to make.
“E proprio la possibilita di realizzare un sogno che rende la vita interessante.”
“It is the possibility to realize a dream that makes life interesting.”
The beginning of any solo journey is never easy. You are chartering your way into the unknown. You have ideas of where you are going, but anything can happen. The road lies open.
We call it a journey for a reason. Because there will be hills and ravines. You may be asked to scale dangerous terrain both physically and internally, facing parts of yourself you didn’t know existed, or consciously choose to ignore.
But with a journey, you may also be shown magnificent beauty, within yourself and within others, seeing a world that you would never have known had you stayed within the comforts of home.
It is within those comforts that fear resides, afraid of what might happen if you go and worse if you don’t, where you’ll find yourself forever living with regret for a dream unlived, and freedom unrequited.
“When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, Let it Be. And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom, Let it Be.” – The Beatles
Sometimes we hurt. There are times when we are able to mask the pain, keep a smile on our face and go about our daily lives as though nothing is wrong. But then there are those other times when we can’t even lie to ourselves.
Where we are hit with something so difficult and unavoidable, it takes every ounce of energy to just hold on, and not get swept away with the pain. Those times when we can’t see our way out. We are stilted. Feel stuck. Completely lost. We’ve all been there. But no matter the pain, there is always a golden gift at the end of the murky tunnel, if we allow ourselves to see it.
These past few months have been some of the most challenging for myself, where the oldest hurts and patterns were forced to the surface; needing to be released.
Happy New Year! Astrologically speaking, 2011 is being called the year of Magnificent Manifestation. Creation. Fruition.
This is the year where all that we’ve dreamed about for years but never seen fully develop, finally has the space to transform into reality. It’s a time when we shift from Seeking to Manifesting. In areas where many of us may have initially felt stuck or stagnant, we will finally feel movement. This is the year when we will really start living our lives in ways we never had the courage before. And I don’t know about you, but I can so gratefully say, it is time.