Be Wary the Calcified Heart

June 29, 2015June 29, 2015 | Kirsten Hansen

You know that line in the Taylor Swift song… Why you gotta be so mean?

That’s me. I can be mean.

Most people would think I’m delusional for saying that. I’m the nicest person they know, they say. I don’t have a mean bone in my body, they say. But I do. Rarely anyone sees this side of me, because I’ve learned to tame that baby dragon (with my Scorpio stinger), where she stays fed and watered in the basement of my heart.

But every once in a while, she comes out to play. It’s no longer a fire breathing death disaster as in days of the past. It’s now subtle. Like little backhanded comments, that jab at another right in their soft parts, leaving them wounded without even realizing they’ve been hurt. I’m that good. Don’t cross the Kirsten.

For a long time, I lived by the mantra of the ever cool Hugh Grant in About a Boy “I’m a bloody island, I’m bloody Ibitha,” proud of my strength and independence as a woman. It made me powerful, I thought. It made me courageous, I thought.

Most times we’re taught that being strong is powerful. And in order to be powerful, we must sacrifice our warmth; our heart. Movies and TV now show female heroines as tough as nails, rather than in touch with their emotions. It’s way cooler to be the wise-cracking sarcastic like Veronica Mars. It’s not safe to be vulnerable and real.

But herein lies the contradiction.

Continue reading →

You Are Enough

May 17, 2015May 17, 2015 | Kirsten Hansen

I’m a big personality. I make big facial expressions. I have big hand gestures. There is really nothing small about me, except my chest size.

If I’m speaking out loud or about something personal, chances are, I’ll crack a joke and try to make it entertaining, or worthy of an audience.

Even if that audience is just one person.

That’s just always been who I am.

In acting class recently, after doing my monologue for the first time, my teacher had me sit on my hands and just speak the words from a place of truth, nothing else. No big expressions, no wild hand gestures. No need to entertain or perform.

I was just to be.

It was torture.

“Why?” I asked. “This just feels wrong.”

She said, “Trust me.”

I did my monologue again. And this time, when I was done, she asked me how it felt. I told her I felt like a brick wall, void of any emotion and boring as hell.

She and the class disagreed – saying it was way more powerful this way.

Stunned, I asked: “But how?”

Continue reading →

The Introduction: Whatever You Are Searching For…You Already Are

April 12, 2015April 13, 2015 | Kirsten Hansen

I had intended to start blogging this book months ago. That seemed simple enough, as I’ve had it planned out for years.

Originally this book was called, How to Love Yourself (When everything in the world tells you not to). I had these great chapters, “WWMD, or What Would Miley Do?” except this was based on Miley as innocent Hannah Montana and not licking a wrecking ball, so well, I had to adjust accordingly with the ever changing times.

Then it was another title, then another. The title has changed as many times as I change my underwear. Daily. (Just for clarification).

I even had the chapters fully mapped out and structured perfectly as the Type A part of my personality finds so comforting. Who doesn’t love to pretend they are in total control?! But then I couldn’t actually write the book and feel any sense of flow or fluidity. Imagine my surprise to realize it was too structured, even for me!

And then it hit me. I was trying to write a 5D book from a 3D mindset. AKA I was trying to write about the heart and soul, from my intellect. This might sound like Pig Latin for some but just stay with me.

A lot has changed in the past few years. We are in the midst of some of the most transformational times of our lives. The world is not the same place it was 5 years ago. Technology and social media have exploded, the Disney kids have grown up, and we’ve become far too comfortable having relationships with our gadgets rather than with real people.

Continue reading →

How Do You Let Go?

April 5, 2015April 11, 2015 | Kirsten Hansen

I’ve never been good at letting go. When I was young and someone called out for me, I would respond, “Hold On.” I never knew it would mean literally.

I still have memory boxes from childhood that my mom is convinced are filled with gum wrappers. Okay, in my defense they were really funny bubble gum wrappers (you remember the ones with the joke?) that were a gift and are now like retro…. Nuff said.

Recently at the Salvation Army, while dropping off some awesome things that had been in my trunk far longer than necessary, I stood there, pondering if it was really best to let them go… I mean, of course I need 3 pairs of Uggs. As if needing a healthy shove from an angel in overalls, a guy called out, “When you left your house it felt like a good idea. Don’t turn back. Now just go out and get more stuff.” Tail between my legs, I hugged my Uggs goodbye. #HugsforUggs

I’ve mastered the art of the long goodbye, watching my family until they disappear around the corner, soaking in every last essence of their aura, knowing that someday it will be the last time. Pretty morbid sure but it’s a coping mechanism I’ve adopted, and call me superstitious, I ain’t changing now.

I’ve lost family before, tragically and suddenly. It’s excruciating. Not just in losing the ones we’ve lost, but how it changes those left behind.

That kind of letting go is forced upon us, and can lead to patterns of abandonment, thereby shaping how we see the world whether we are aware of it or not.

Continue reading →

Before I knew I was a Writer

April 8, 2013April 11, 2015 | Kirsten Hansen

When I was in sixth grade, my teacher asked our class to write a poem. A simple poem. My heart stopped for just a minute…. I didn’t know how to write a poem! I had been writing in a diary (you know the kind that had a little lock and key), since I could hold a pencil, confessing my sorrows to the safety of the page. But I didn’t think I could ever write something that others would want to read… and would be good enough. That was what real writer’s did.

I was an overachiever. And I wasn’t a person who liked to fail at any task, especially in front of my peers when I was so busy seeking their approval.

And so I did the most natural thing to me. I turned my back on myself and asked my very intelligent friends for help. They came from those idyllic families where they had pancakes for breakfast every Sunday. In my eyes, they were perfect. And I was flawed because I was filled with so many thoughts, feelings and worries. A ten year old constantly consumed with the pain inducing fear that I wouldn’t fulfill my destiny… whatever that was supposed to be.

Continue reading →

We All Want To Be Special

May 8, 2011April 13, 2015 | Kirsten Hansen

We all want to know that we matter in this world and that our life has meaning. Within us lies this inexplicable need to be Special. To know that we aren’t a mistake and we haven’t been forgotten.

As children, we lose ourselves in fantastical tales of wishes fulfilled. We relate to the story of the ordinary boy, who one day discovers he is the most powerful wizard in the world. We live vicariously through these characters, wishing, hoping, that we were just like them. If only.

As adults, myself included, we are no different. The longing to be special remains.

But with our need to be special, comes with it our fear of being different. As humanity, we are a walking contradiction, afraid of being ostracized. For we may dream of being recognized for our uniqueness, but we are also deathly afraid of shining our lights, and being our most expansive selves. As Marianne Williamson said: